Man Claims He’s From The Future Later Disappears From Cell

I have to admit that I was reading this article with extreme skepticism. Unfortunately, as much as I would like to make fun of this young man, because, quite honestly, the story itself is ridiculous; It’s hard to ignore that he’s disappeared. I mean, come on. Really?! The supposed time-traveller gets put into a secure cell and then just vanishes? Something is fishy.

CNET - A would-be saboteur arrested today at the Large Hadron Collider in Switzerland made the bizarre claim that he was from the future. Eloi Cole, a strangely dressed young man, said that he had travelled back in time to prevent the LHC from destroying the world.

The LHC successfully collided particles at record force earlier this week, a milestone Mr Cole was attempting to disrupt by stopping supplies of Mountain Dew to the experiment’s vending machines. He also claimed responsibility for the infamous baguette sabotage in November last year.

Mr Cole was seized by Swiss police after CERN security guards spotted him rooting around in bins. He explained that he was looking for fuel for his ‘time machine power unit’, a device that resembled a kitchen blender.

Okay, so far this man has tried to stop them from distributing Mountain Dew and bread. He also has a time machine that closely resembles a blender. I’m sorry, but I find it hard to believe that in the future they would make a time machine (advanced technology) to ve very similar to an ancient artifact.

Police said Mr Cole, who was wearing a bow tie and rather too much tweed for his age, would not reveal his country of origin. “Countries do not exist where I am from. The discovery of the Higgs boson led to limitless power, the elimination of poverty and Kit-Kats for everyone. It is a communist chocolate hellhole and I’m here to stop it ever happening.” 

Why on Earth didn’t they try to fingerprint this man before detaining him in a holding cell to be evaluated, where he later disappeared? Shouldn’t they have attempted to figure out his identity while trying to decide the state of his mental health as well?

This isn’t the first time time-travel has been blamed for mishaps at the LHC. Last year, the Japanese physicist Masao Ninomiya and Danish string-theory pioneer Holger Bech Nielsen put forward the hypothesis that the Higgs boson was so “abhorrent” that it somehow caused a ripple in time that prevented its own discovery.

Hmmm? Wait, what?!

Professor Brian Cox, a CERN physicist and full-time rock’n'roll TV scientist, was sympathetic to Mr Cole. “Bless him, he sounds harmless enough. At least he didn’t mention bloody black holes.”

Mr Cole was taken to a secure mental health facility in Geneva but later disappeared from his cell. Police are baffled, but not that bothered.

Now you can’t tell me this shit is not weird. How are they not bothered?! He went missing! You have no idea who he is! And he’s either fucking crazy, or a fucking time traveller! Although I’d be baffled, I’d also be rather bothered.

Sadly, after much research on this story I have come to discover that it was posted on April 1st, 2010 and  the man’s name is a post-human race from H.G. Wells’ The Time Machine. My belief, is this man is delusional and his disappearance is sheer coincidence, unless of course, H.G. Wells is a time-travelling conspirator as well, which is just too ridiculous to even consider.


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